Category Archives: Progress

Overcoming Deep Dark Secrets….Life With An Eating Disorder

Hey y’all! Hope you guys have had a great week. I haven’t talked about this in a minute but I feel like it’s so important, not only for myself but for those suffering in silence. Some of you know I have struggled with an eating disorder for a good portion of my life, that maybe where you find yourself at today. But I want to offer hope to you, hope that you don’t have to stay in the same place as you are today. You don’t have to have the same struggles or battles, if your willing to allow God in and put the work in…..YOU CAN HAVE FREEDOM. It’s there for the taken!! While I’m still on the road to recovery, I’m getting stronger and more free every day, and you can to my friend.

So I want talk about what helped lead up to me even being willing to get help. I’m using the word willing for an important reason because if I said I was waiting on WHEN I FELT LIKE MAKING CHANGES I’d be waiting for an awfully long time. Because we can feel like every Monday we want to start over and TRY to get things right. But in my experience “WE TRY” “WE FEEL” and it hasn’t served me well.

Feelings are so fickle, they are one way one day and different the next. So waiting on your feeling to be what you want….well that day may never come. But if I make a conscious choice to say Lord I’M WILLING that’s different. I’m not giving my feelings a vote.

Our church has a small group/conference called Freedom and WOW it’s incredible! Well I went through it and right when it was time for conference in last December, I got so sick and I couldn’t go. I was so so upset, discouraged and didn’t understand at all. At the time I couldn’t see what God was doing behind the scenes and let me just say He is such a behind scenes kinda Guy.

So the 1st of January rolls around and 21 Days of Fasting And Prayer starts and prolly half way through God stuck His finger right on IT and said “Nicole now is the time, it’s time to deal with your eating disorder.”

“Excuse me Lord but I don’t have a problem.”

Now mind you I was weighing myself everyday sometimes 2-3 times a day. BUT I DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM. Denial!

I had been abusing diuretics and laxatives for years. I would fast and I could fast like nobody’s business but then I’d binge…..I was struggling with something, I didn’t know it had a name. It’s name was bulimia.

So it was at the moment I realized why I wasn’t able to go to the Freedom conference. God had something more He needed to deal with me on and bring healing to my soul.

Right then and there I went to my medicine cabinet and threw out all my diuretics and laxatives. Now I’d like to say it was easy from that point on and that I didn’t struggle but because my body was use to them and needed them to go to the bathroom. It was like crucifying the flesh…Ugghhh! There’s a healing period which I’m pretty sure I’m still in, I think it will take a while to heal my intestines, body, spirit, and emotions from all that trauma I put myself through.

It’s funny how we always think no one knows our deep dark secrets because we put on our mask every day and act like we gucci. But ya know what….I know…..God knows. And the pain of holding all of it in or keeping up the image will destroy you.

So after much prayer and seeking the Lord on what to do, the first thing I needed to do was to tell my husband. Oh how I dreaded that conversation, to the point it made me physically ill, like wanting to throw up.

So finally I went downstairs and said “Honey I need to talk to you about something and it’s going to be really hard for me to talk about. Of course I’m already crying and can hardly speak. I know the poor man is prolly thinking “Ohhhh I’m in the doghouse, she about to leave me! Or she’s having a affair!”

I could hardly get it out I was crying so hard but once I did you could see the relief on his face that it wasn’t one of the before mentioned items lol. I’m being so vulnerable baring my soul, and he’s relieved I’m not having an affair. Lol😂 We can look for humor in everything.

I told him how I had been struggling and abusing laxatives and diuretics, fasting and binging. He listened and said “Thank you honey for sharing that with me I know that was extremely hard for you. How can I help or what do you want to do?” Well I had already been looking for a counselors, I thought a nutritionist was a good idea as well. So I started there. I also shared with our 3 daughters, what was hidden in the dark had to come out, so it could hold no more power over me. It was a step toward freedom.

I reached out to a nutritionist who I really like but for me I have to say this is such a tricky part of having a eating disorder. They go over all your healthy issues, keeping in mind your eating disorder and then put you on a meal plan. Well for me what I had found is that I already had such a unhealthy relationship with food you telling me I can’t have a Dr. Pepper and I can only eat these things it wasn’t good for me. Because not realizing but all my life I had been putting certain foods in good categories and bad categories and if I ate from the good category I was good but if I ate or drank from the bad category “I was bad” I would heap so much shame and guilt onto myself which kept me spiraling. Not sure if that makes sense or not, so for a while I’ve been working on just my relationship WITH food. I know there are good and bad foods and our bodies NEED the good foods but your mind and heart still need to make that connection without condemnation and shame being in the picture. So if I ate a brownie or drank a Dr. Pepper I wasn’t a bad person like I fell like I was. It’s crazy what our mind can make us think about ourselves.

Having a eating disorder for me while it is obsessing over weight and food, I’ve also learned it goes sooooo much deeper than that. It went back to things from my childhood that led up to that.

I was raised in alcoholism, with that comes so much baggage. Enabling, people pleasing, codependency, fear, manipulation, people trying to control you, you feeling out of control, and not knowing what the day would hold. I think I learned to try not to rock the boat fairly early in life, that was a safe place….so I thought.

I love my mother and father dearly but they divorced before I was 2 and my father remarried and had 3 other daughters. He wasn’t there for me as much as I would have liked him to be or at the time needed him to be. Our relationship then wasn’t as strong as it is today. Thankful God brings restoration.

I lived with my mother who also remarried 4 times and that was very difficult for me in that I didn’t have a stable father figure. Let me say upfront I do not in any way blame her. She worked hard to raise me the best way she knew how and all she wanted was to be loved. She loved the way she knew how and so did my Dad. And can’t we all relate to that? We all want to be loved and accepted, we do what we know….right or wrong. It definitely hindered me in many ways but it also helped shape me into the woman I am today.

I was molested at a young age and back then that wasn’t something you talked about and they also threatened me about telling anyone. So that was yet another deep dark secret that got stuffed deep down.

Your life shapes you for the good or for the bad and at the moment for me it wasn’t good. Things were quickly building for the perfect storm in my life.

At a young age I quickly learned that when I expressed my feelings I got in trouble, or I was told I was wrong for feeling that way. I was also told on several occasions “If you do that you can’t come back home”. I felt rejected and like what I had to say or what I felt wasn’t important. So what did I do, I stuffed my emotions down further and further. That’s what we are doing with our eating disorders or any addiction for that matter.

By the time I had meet my husband and we married I had such low self esteem. I was constantly comparing myself to other women, and of course never measuring up. I literally hated myself. I would tear myself apart. It’s so sad to say these things but even watching TV was a struggle for me. If a beautiful woman came on tv I began comparing myself to her, telling myself how ugly I was. How my husband prolly would rather have her than me. It was AWFUL!!

The devil knows your weaknesses and he will use them against you. He will whisper lies in your ears and if you’re not careful you’ll believe them and they will hold you captive.

It wasn’t until I went to Al-Anon where I started getting help to deal with others in my life who had drinking problems that I was able to get free from some of that and I began loving myself.

I can remember one day texting my sponsor with tears in my eyes from a baton competition and telling her how much fun I was having and how in the past they were so difficult for me because of all the cute young girl running around in their little costumes. I was getting FREE little by little and it felt so good!!

All the things I’ve talked about cause frustration, confusion, distrust, guilt, rejection, fear of failure, shame, people pleasing and so much more. That’s what you begin to think, act, and do.

So fast forward to going to counseling, I felt like God lead me to this specific person. I mean for goodness sakes her name was Hope!

Hope means a confidant expectation of something good.

Hope was exactly what I had been looking for, for my whole life. Not the person although she’s has been such a blessing in my life but the HOPE God gives us in our time of need.

Hope was what I needed to overcome this disorder and other things in my life that have so enslaved me.

Hope for my future.

Hope for freedom.

Hope to have a voice.

Hope to share my feelings and not feel like I’m wrong for having them.

Just HOPE!

So while I’m still on the road to recovery, I’ll be honest I don’t do the laxatives or diuretics, but on a really bad day or week in my weakness I have turned to fasting and binging sometimes, but not as often as I use too PRAISE GOD!! That’s progress. God is so good and faithful and He will do it for you to precious one.

Today I can say I have HOPE for a better life. A life of freedom. I have good days and bad days but the thing I’m finding so valuable is my VOICE AND MY FEELINGS, whether their good or bad they are mine and it’s ok to have them and express them in a appropriate way. They no longer have to be stuffed!

Learning to not be lead by my feelings but to feel them and know they are real and they are mine and it’s not wrong to have them or express them.

My job is to allow God to bring healing to me, set healthy boundaries, and use my voice when needed and NOT STUFF IT! Stop stuffing things down just because someone may not like it or not want to hear something uncomfortable.

And my goodness stop taken ownership and fixing things that are others responsibilities. I have to stay on my side of the street in order to keep myself in a healthy place.

Precious one you gotta get the Word on inside of you if want to get to the other side of your problem where FREEDOM is. Meditate on it day and night. Pick one, stay on it till it’s deep in you and them move onto the next one.

Psalm 139:14 I will praise You because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well.

Song of Solomon 4:7 My darling, everything about you is beautiful, and there is nothing at all wrong with you.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 Don’t you know that your body is a temple that belongs to the Holy Spirit? The Holy Spirit, whom you received from God, lives in you. You don’t belong to yourselves. You were bought for a price. So bring glory to God in the way you use your body.

Zephaniah 3:17 For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

You are loved my friend! We all have our issues whether it’s an eating disorder or some other kind of addiction God wants you to turn to Him and let Him help you. He will take what the enemy meant to harm and destroy and use for your good. But it’s up to you to let Him. He calls you holy, righteous, beautiful, and His Trophy of Grace

Love and hugs,

Nicole 💗

Please click the link below and enjoy the song You’ll Come by Hillsong

https://youtu.be/2RmZFaruXhs

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Progress not perfection! 

Progress not perfection, is a slogan I have struggled with especially here lately. Sometimes I feel like if I can’t do it perfect then why do it at all? That’s the enemy talking there.

For me this summer has been a hotmess. I love the meme “My summer body wasn’t ready but my winter body is ready to go.”

That’s definitely been me this summer, LOLOL😂

I had to have my left hip surgery in May. We did the left one first thinking it was my worst one. The first 3 weeks were a little rough but after I got past that I really turned the corner. I was exceeding goals and going way beyond where I should be, which was great and I was so thankful and encouraged. I finally had hope!
Then it came time to do my right hip in August, I was super excited and just ready for it to be over and done with. I have dealt with chronic pain for so long, debilitating bilateral hip pain as well muscle, joint and fibromyalgia.
It turned out I had what’s called FAI or Femoroacetabular impingement which also caused labral tears in both hips. It went undiagnosed for many years, making my back pain worse as well. By the time we figured it out I was just ready to be DONE! I want to feel normal….whatever normal is, right?😜
Well my right hip has been a whole other ball game, it was totally opposite of my expectations and my left hip surgery. Turned out it was way worse than my left. He had to do much more boney work than my left, had more anchors as well. I call them my anchors of hope!⚓️💗 I had both cam and pincer impingements, causing large labral shredding.

It’s just been much more difficult than I expected. It felt like I would take 1 step forward 2 steps back. Still having a great deal of pain, and healing is taking much longer than we expected. I read somewhere and it really resonated with me “1 step backwards after taking a step forward is the cha-cha and not a disaster” That’s soooo great! I love it! It really is about our perception!

In the season of recovery I’m in I have to remind myself of the good that has come out of it, my left hip has been a champ 💪🏻🏃‍♀️ I can walk better even when there is still pain in my right hip. I can go up and down the stairs like normal and not one step at a time. Traveling has been a little better. Those are positive things. I know for me I had in my my mind my right hip was going to be an easier recovery than my left and then when I started seeing it wasn’t, I got really down and frustrated. But in reality, honestly anything was better than being where I was before surgery.

Being thankful for the good things in our lives even when we may not be seeing all the good results we want is so important. Regardless, there is still forward progress! We can’t forget to look for the good and focus on it instead of always focus on the bad. That only makes you feel more hopeless and defeated. Believe me I know it’s so easy to do, especially when there is pain involved, whether it’s physical or emotional pain. We tend to wonder, will I have to live this way forever? Will it ever end? Am I ever going to be normal and do normal things like every one else? What I really want is to be able to sit in the floor and play with my grands or chase them around whenever they are born😍I want to take a walk around the neighborhood or park or do something, anything and not have it take 2-3 days to recover from it. It’s hard to understand if you haven’t been there.

I love this verse in 2 Corinthians and think it’s a great reminder “To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

See sometimes God takes away our suffering and sometimes he doesn’t. But whatever He does or doesn’t do, He’s grace is sufficient for you and He’s Power is made perfect in your (and my) weakness!

If God fixed everything and we never had to walk out the tough things in our lives, we wouldn’t have a need for God, it’s that thorn so to speak. I do believe it is God’s will that we walk in total healing and wholeness, but sometimes we don’t see it on this side. Other times it’s a walking out process.

Often times we are not taking as good care of ourselves and that makes our situation worse. Are we living stressed to max? Are you getting enough sleep? Are we eating the right foods to bring healing to our bodies, or are we eating junk foods and doing more damage than good? Are we exercising to strengthen our bodies for the rest of our journey or are we sitting by passively and doing nothing and wishing things would get better? If I’m honest I’ve done both. We ask why bother when it doesn’t seem to change right away? But sometimes it takes making the right choices over and over and over and over again and again before you see results. We have to press in and not give up. We can’t expect God to change it all when we also have a part to do. God will not do what we can do ourselves. We only have one body, and we must take care of what God has given us so we can finish our journey well. Remember progress NOT perfection! There was only one perfect one.

Comparing your behind the scene journey to other people’s highlights only leads to frustration.

Focus on your progress and not what others do around you. They are not dealing with the same things you are and are not built the same as you. You have things you are capable of that only you can do but when the enemy of comparison creeps in, it only does you harm, steals your joy, and keeps you down and distracted. Be your own kind of beautiful!

God is not looking for our perfection, He is looking for our progress. Are you always striving to change, be better, look better, get to the next level? I get it, I understand. While those things in and of themselves are not bad it’s when we begin to focus only on them and believing that when we attain it, we will FINALLY be happy. Only God can fill those voids.

Constantly setting impossible or unrealistic goals is self defeating. I have definitely felt that in the season I’m in. Instead we need to make realistic goals and keep our eyes focused on God. Relying on Him to attain them. Moving forward slowly is still progress my friend. So keep pressing on!

Remember YOU are a troph of Grace!

Be blessed,

Nicole💗