Category Archives: Divorcing ED

Divorcing ED- Life With An Eating Disorder

Hey y’all! Hope you guys are doing well. Things have been hopping here. Hubby working from home also means home projects right. I swear that man can’t sit still for a second, then he sucks me in lol🤣

I thought I’d let you in on a secret…..lean in real close. I’M DIVORCING ED! There I said it!

Secrets out now.

No! ED is not my husband’s name. ED is someone who has been with me for too many years to count.

ED is the eating disorder I have struggled with for what seems like a lifetime but I’ve decided we are breaking up for good and getting a divorce! He doesn’t serve me well anymore, well he never really did, he was just how I coped.

Do you know ED too?

ED…..I.e. sin….took me further than I ever thought I’d go and kept me longer than I ever thought I’d stay.

I have been in counseling with a nutritionist who deals with eating disorders and Imma tell you how wonderful, hard and challenging it’s been.

My first experience with a nutritionist when I was finally ready to deal with ED didn’t go well. She would say things like “You need to only eat this or that.” or “If you drink that Dr. Pepper your only hurting yourself” Even better was the time I didn’t like one of the supplements she gave me, it was like horrible mud like substance you drank with a hint of mint🤣🤢🤮 she said “I guess you just don’t want to get well.” Are you kidding me?? Lady, I guilt myself enough I don’t need more guilt and condemnation or rules and regulations from you, that’s what got me here to start with. So needless to say that didn’t last long. I knew she wasn’t good for me. She was setting me up to fail. Inevitably I was gonna fail or make a mistake but failing wasn’t a bad thing nor did failing make me a failure….she was not teaching me that though. It’s all part of the process. Plus, she was not celebrating the small victories I was making.

This time Amie, my nutritionist now she is amazing! What a gift she is. She challenges me but also celebrates the small victories with me. The truth is if I eat 3 meals 1 day that’s amazing considering for many years I haven’t done that.

If I wake up and tell myself I’m not gonna eat today but then go through the process of talking to myself and on purpose choose to make the decision to eat regardless of what my feelings are saying, that’s another victory!

If I go 2 days and don’t weigh myself that’s another victory. I’ve gone 5 so far, 5 DAYS OF NOT WEIGHING MYSELF. That is nothing short of miracle to me.

I’m learning though if slip up it’s not the end of the world, just get back up and start all over. Being perfect is so overrated. Not that I ever was but it was something so engrained me and I learned to try not to rock the boat, be as perfect as you possibly can they will love and accept you THEN. How misguided I was.

What I look like, how I dress, the car I drive, the house I live in, or the job I have…none of that matters or has eternal purpose. Having a relationship with MY JESUS is what matters. That is what’s life changing and as I walk this out and I feel like I can’t do it anymore I cry out to Him one more time, and one more time, and one more time. He’s there waiting to pick me up, and sweet friend He’s there waiting for you. You have access to the King.

I mentioned to someone the other day I was seeing a nutritionist for my eating disorder and the first thing they asked was “Wow! How much weight have you lost?” I just thought to myself “Oh my word! What’s wrong with people?” That’s the whole problem. Weight, food, exercise, not eating, binging, the scale, all of it turned into idols. I’m not trying to lose weight, of course I’d like too I’m a woman lol but my main goal is to have a healthy relationship with food.

To not be afraid to eat this or that.

To not be afraid to eat 3 meals a day or a snack.

To eat lunch and not be afraid.

To not weigh myself everyday….I’ve been a slave to the scale for as long as I can remember.

Anyone relate to that? 🤣🤣🤣

That’s our culture though. We think if we lose enough weight or if we are the perfect size we will be happy and all of life will fall into place and we’ll have no problems. That’s simply not true. But if you watch the Jenny Craig commercials they’ll have you believe “Because of Jenny Craig, I’m a happier person, a happier mom, a happier wife. I’m more confident.” Well I was a size six and it didn’t change what was going on on the inside. Until the root is addressed you will repeat the cycle and that’s true for anything. I just hate the media plays on our emotions especially women, you are just not quite good enough….YET! Try this and maybe you will be. I’m tired of listening to the lies! THE devil IS A LIAR!

How about you try some Jesus instead of all the worldly things it has to offer. Sorry for my soapbox. Finding our worth and value from the mirror or the scale will never fulfill you.

But having a relationship with Jesus will.

Back on topic, lol, for me most days I would eat a small breakfast, never lunch, and eat dinner. Some days I wouldn’t eat at all, I would consciously make a decision to not eat today. Punish myself for the shame and guilt I carried of living with this secret, and other secrets and trauma from my childhood. I was also fearful of lots of foods that in moderation are actually healthy for you.

One of the things I’ve been working on is incorporating lunch into my schedule. I know, sounds simple but for someone with ED, not so simple. But I’ve done pretty well, not every day yet but 4-5 out of 7 I’d say. That’s HUGE! Even if it’s something small.

Progress not perfection.

Forward motion.

My nutritionist asked me how I felt about not weighing myself everyday and did I think that was something I could start to work on. Immediately, tears streamed down my face and I said “ Yes, I will do it.” The scale and I have had a meeting together every morning for yeeaaarrs, sometimes weighing myself more than once a day. Despite how unhappy it made me, I still have always been drawn to it even though I knew it wasn’t helpful to me. So last week I hid it in the closet so I won’t see everyday lol. The first couple of days were really hard and I almost got up in the middle of the night to weigh myself. Crazy I know. But that’s the bond ED and I have. His clutches run deep. Have you ever experienced anything like this? It’s powerful, BUT MY GOD IS BIGGER.

I’m divorcing ED to have a relationship with me, to get to know me and a deeper relationship with my Savior. To get my voice back instead of shoving things further down. I’m overcoming the misguided self. To heal the proper way from past hurts and trauma. It’s hard work and it may take a long time and it may be painful but I’m up for the job. I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me and so can you sweet friend.

Your struggle may not be ED, it may be drugs, alcohol, shopping, pornography, or something else, we all have something. I urge you to give it completely over to the Lord. Press in and contend for your freedom. He will set your shackles free. FREEDOM IS THERE FOR THE TAKING. You are a new creation IN CHRIST. What the enemy meant to harm and destroy God will work for your good.

NOTHING AND I MEAN NOTHING IS TOO BIG FOR HIM!!

I have worked on this blog for 2-3 days and was set to release today but after I watched our church service this morning I was simply blown away again by my God. How he loves me (you) so much, and how he confirms what he’s placed on my heart to share. I’m even more certain of what He wants for me.

I will tell of the mercy of the Lord and proclaim the great things He has done for me and continues to do.

The Misguided Self- Life With ED and My Broken Past (click below)

https://nikhop320.wordpress.com/2019/10/16/ive-had-an-epiphany/

Sword the Spirit:

Psalm 139:14 I will praise You because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well.

Song of Solomon 4:7 My darling, everything about you is beautiful, and there is nothing at all wrong with you.

Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised.

Romans 14:17 For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.

Romans 12:1 Brothers and sisters, in view of all we have just shared about God’s compassion, I encourage you to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, dedicated to God and pleasing to him. This kind of worship is appropriate for you.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 Don’t you know that your body is a temple that belongs to the Holy Spirit? The Holy Spirit, whom you received from God, lives in you. You don’t belong to yourselves. You were bought for a price. So bring glory to God in the way you use your body.

Psalm 145:18 The Lord is near all who call out to Him, all who call out to Him with integrity.Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

1 Corinthians 10:13 The only temptations that you have are the same temptations that all people have. But you can trust God. He will not let you be tempted more than you can bear. But when you are tempted, God will also give you a way to escape that temptation. Then you will be able to endure it.

Romans 8:26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

Zephaniah 3:17 For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Psalm 29:11 The Lord will give strength to his people; the Lord will bless his people with peace.

Psalm 147:3 He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.

How I Need You- Highlands Worship

You fashioned me, formed my heart,
Searched my soul, and know every thought
Love so great, but never too far
Through the storm, You’re the calm, every war, You’ve already won
Life’s secure in Your loving armsJesus, Jesus, oh, how I need You
You stay the same, You are good in Your ways
Jesus, Jesus, oh, how I need You
You are enough, all my trust is in You, LordYou are powerful, God above it all
I believe in You, I believe in You
You do miracles, the impossible
I believe in You, Jesus

See I’m contending for my freedom from ED every day and renewing my mind. What are you contending for? Would love to hear from you.

Big hugs,

Nicole💗