Category Archives: Depression

The Misguided SELF- Life With ED And Overcoming My Broken Past

Hey y’all! Hope you guys are having a great week so far. The weather is so pleasant, I think I will be able to pull out my boots pretty soon🙌🏻 Fall and Winter are my favorite months.

I love the holidays. I’ve had my Fall stuff out for at least a month but I’m ready to decorate for Christmas, LOL.

Anywho, last couple of weeks some great things have happened with my blog and ladies small group. As some of you know, I’ve struggled with ED….eating disorder. I stopped abusing diuretics and laxatives a year or so ago when God put his finger on it and said “Now is the time to deal with this Nicole!” So I sought out help and have been in counseling since. Even though I gave up the diuretics and laxatives I was still struggling with not eating or binging…..But I recently had an epiphany.

As I said, something great had happened and God was all in it and when it was over I had a “small binge.” For the life of me I couldn’t understand why. It was so good, there was no need too. I guess for so long I thought it was only in the stressful times or bad times I would deprive myself or binge. Not realizing, I was doing it in the good times as well. I love the misguided self who thinks she can control this ED.

As I talked about what had happened with someone, I realized it went back to my childhood.

There were happy memories associated with food, maybe you already get that but I sure didn’t. Christmas time when the family got together, there was amazing food….well except for my grandmothers oyster dressing 🤢 She always thought I loved it, LOL. It was nothing but a nasty blob of mush.

Family reunions with lots of food and fun.

Birthdays full of fun, presents, and sometimes I would have 3-4 cakes different cakes. I was an only child in a divorced family, so I got to celebrate with a lot of different family members.

I can remember sitting around the table, the yummy smells, eating chocolate peanut butter balls, laughing, telling stories. Those are just some precious memories with my family.

Then as I got older, there were the times my mom and I would go out on the weekends, her in her pink foam rollers and terry cloth jumpers 🙈 We would have lunch and shopped till we dropped. I’m pretty sure that’s where my love of shopping developed, LOL🤣

More memorable, were the times when I was young, scared and afraid, hiding under a table.

Watching my drunk grandfather cuss out and beat up my moms 2nd husband.

Or the time when my grandfather was drunk again and threatened to shoot us. I remember begging my grandmother to call the police and she wouldn’t do it. She didn’t want him to be put away. He needed to be put a away, he needed help. But instead I was locked in a room.

I still remember that bedroom upstairs on the right, it had twin beds. Moma had hand stitched pictures on the walls, so beautiful. But there I was huddled on the floor behind the bed, the smell of moth balls filled the air. Popa’s sister, Aunt Sarah was there with me, I can still feel her arms around me, comforting me, and praying for us. To me her prayers were so powerful. I loved her dearly.

Then there were all the different men my mom dated, loved or married, all having major brokenness in their own life and passing that onto me. I know now she was hurt and wanted to be loved and was willing to do or be anything to get it.

Being raised in alcoholism, is chaotic enough, then there’s all the instability. You never know what to expect. So you learn to not rock the boat.

One step dad was OCD, nothing was ever good enough and he had such an awful temper. I knew he loved me and would buy me whatever I wanted….because that means love right? He scared me. There were times I would seek refuge and hide under the kitchen table in a ball to try and feel safe, and yet it escaped me time and again.

Wondering why this was allowed to go on?

Why didn’t my mom do something about it?

Why did I have to go through this hell?

Then another stepdad was an severe alcoholic. I loved him very much and he was there during some important years of my life. But his pain and brokenness just oozed out on everyone in his life. He didn’t know how to love well. I remember him saying things like;

“I’m a piece of shit!”

“I’m a slut, a whore!”

“No one will ever want you!”

“You will never amount to anything?”

Not only was he verbally abusive but he hit me as well.

Back then I wondered, what did I do wrong? Did I do something to deserve this? Was he told these things as a child? Why did he do those things to me? Why wasn’t I good enough? Why didn’t God stop it? More importantly, why did my mom allow those things to go on? Why didn’t she protect me?

This is when my eating disorder began to show its ugly head. At the time it was my comfort, it was a shelter for me in my storm….until it wasn’t. Then I couldn’t stop it and it took over my life.

I was so hurt and broken at this time, dealing with the shame and guilt of the past. Having been being molested at a young age as well, all I wanted was a way out.

I wanted my pain to stop.

I took an overdose of pills. I wanted to be free.

All I wanted was to feel safe, loved, accepted, treasured….ENOUGH.

Can anyone relate these feelings?

(That Girl Was Me…. Click below)

https://nikhop320.wordpress.com/2018/06/26/that-girl-was-me/

What happened after that was life altering. There I was revived, broken, and a sassy hotmess! My mom had made the decision to have me put in the hospital in hopes it would save me. Because of that one decision, my life was changed forever. I got the help I so desperately needed and for the first time in my life I felt hope….not freedom but hope that my life can change and be better.

I needed hope but I needed freedom more, but it would come later for me.

Not long after that I met my husband and we got married and my mom divorced and married again.

As a young mom and wife, full of fear, stress, and still looking for that love and acceptance I so desperately wanted….I had to keep up that appearance of having it all together. See you gotta look the part and play the part. Perfection! Plastic People. People will love you IF you’re perfect enough and IF you don’t rock the boat.

How misguided I was.

In the early years of my ED, it was just fun binging here and there with friends, but after I got married and started having kids, all the stress that surrounded that and not having family near to help or a healthy support system, I needed to control more. So, I had to kick up up a notch. One night in my shame and guilt I drank a hefty dose of ipecac syrup after my binge…..y’all! It. Was. The. Worst. Night. Ever!! I don’t know if I’ve ever thrown up so much. I quickly realized I didn’t like that experience lol and set out to find a better way.

Little did I know that my sin would take me further than I wanted to go, keep me longer than I wanted to stay, and cost me more than I wanted to pay. Unknown

I learned that laxatives and diuretics were easier than throwing up. My power was temporarily restored and I felt I had more control, at least in my distorted mind and that went on for 20 more plus years.

I could dress it up like the best of them. I had perfected my mask, so much that I didn’t know how to take it off. I knew I needed help but I didn’t know how.

During a “21 Days Of Prayer” God stuck His finger on it and said “It’s time, Nicole!” That was where my journey to freedom began. As I said before, I threw out all my laxatives and diuretics and haven’t taken them again!

Praise God for opening my heart and eyes. He sets us free sometimes little by little, from glory to glory. I’m not where I want to be but I’m not where I use to be either. Hallelujah!

So I kinda felt a little stuck until I had this epiphany. But I see it so clearly now.

I couldn’t get free because I was holding onto things I needed to let go of. I don’t believe it was ever simply the eating disorder, it was about all the things that happened before that I was holding onto. Things I was shoving down, so far down to the point I couldn’t feel it. I was numb. But once I made that decision to let the Lord in those dark places of my heart I can actually say I’m getting FREE! Freedom is up ahead!

I’m walking it out now, I’m not free from the eating disorder YET, but I will be!!!

All those painful things from my past, the hurts, the brokenness, the trauma, the things the devil meant to harm and destroy me, MY GOD is working for my good!!

I won’t waste my pain, what I’ve been through has created the woman I am today, it doesn’t define me but I have experience, strength and hope now that I can share with whoever the Lord puts in my path.

I’m dealing with a lot of difficult things right now, feeling the pain, the brokenness, but now I know it’s ok to not be ok. I’m on my way. I don’t have to be perfect. All I need to be is who God created me to be. I’m learning to set boundaries with people in my life that once controlled me and healthy ways to handle situations.

I’m learning I have a voice and my feelings matter. They don’t have to be shoved down because someone might get angry, they need to be felt and dealt with and NOT shoved deep.

Now the pain draws me closer to God instead of driving me further away. See the enemy wanted me to be alone and isolated but God created us for relationship. I’m so blessed with family and friends that will hold my arms up when I’m to weak. They will be there for me as soon as I say the word….it may take me a while to say I need help, LOL but I’m getting better at it.

We all need a Titus.

Titus, was one of Paul’s converts and huge help to him in his ministry. Titus was the encourager in his life. When conflict came Paul’s way, Titus would be there in those difficult times or situations.

Life is painful!

Life is hard!

Unfortunately, crappy and unfair things can happen to us but with God on your side and a Titus in your corner, my friend you can’t fail!

That’s why church, small groups, support groups, and counseling are so vital to our lives. We weren’t meant to carry all these heavy burdens alone. We were built for relationships, we were meant to come along side one another in our pain and brokenness so it could bring healing and restoration to our hearts and souls. Who is your Titus?

I’m a Trophy Of Grace and you are too sweet friend!

I hope you have a wonderful week. God bless you!

Big hugs,

Nicole💗

 

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Do You Feel Like You’re Being Sifted?

What the enemy means for harm, God will use for your good.

Do you feel like you’re being sifted?

Oh man, let me tell ya, I’ve been there and it’s not a fun place….but it’s a necessary place.

Sometimes we don’t understand why we go through what we go through but let me encourage you today that it is for a purpose! You may not see it….YET, but you will.

Your sifting may look different than mine. But we’ve all been through struggles or sifting of some kind. It may look like chronic pain or sickness, divorce, addictions, eating disorder, loss of a loved one, relationship issues, honestly it could be a number of things. The struggle may be different but it’s sifting nonetheless.

Your sifting seasons might be excruciatingly painful, lonely, and frustrating. But with God on your side, the sifting can lead to purifying us, seeing what’s on the inside of us that needs to come out. It can show us who or what is causing you harm, things we need to walk away from. Things you need to say “No” too. It can strengthening you, help you rely more on Jesus instead of ourselves or others. It can also grow and mature us in our character and our faith.

We had something happen to us a few years ago and it rocked our world. But now looking back I can see God’s hand was in it all along, he never left, he was with us every step of the way. He knew what was best for us when we didn’t. We needed to go through that to get to the place we are at today. Only God can do that and He knows what’s best for you too.

When something in our lives is ripped away from us or our expectations are shattered into pieces, the effects we feel most are devastation, isolation, pain, and we can question why it happened.

God knows so much more than what we know and sees the whole picture, where we only see what’s happened or happening to us. He sees the beginning to the end.

When we surrender to Jesus and his will for our life, He will sustain us through the our trials and tribulations. Yes, we may suffer grief, pain, isolation, shame or guilt but let me reassure you Jesus doesn’t give up on us. No! He will never leave us or forsake us. No not ever!

Your faith might even wavier and that’s ok my friend because God doesn’t! He’s the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is the God of restoration, the God of faith, and he is Mighty to save. He will restore what the enemy has stolen from you. He will strengthen you to press through your pain and circumstances and you will be better for it. You will grow in character, and grow more into His image. The Word says we go from glory to glory, Amen!

God will not leave you in the pit. His job is to sift through the good and the bad in our lives, and to bring about all the awesome things He has in store for you.

He’s the Waymaker!

Sweet friend, God knows what you need to be walking in His plans and purposes for your life.

I’ve learned in my own life, sometimes God has to tear things down to rebuild them the way He wants them and for what’s best for us.

It doesn’t make it easy or less painful but knowing God loves you with a everlasting love, and that if you let him He will give you the strength, grace, mercy and wisdom to get through all that you are going through! He will never leave you nor forsake you! This I know.

Nothing has come into your life that wasn’t first sifted through God’s hands. There’s a purpose sweet friend, and He loves you to much to leave you alone and let you stay the same….His plan is for you to be walking in your divine destiny that He has planned for you!!

You are destined for greatness!! You already are victorious even when it doesn’t look like it. You are an overcomer!!

It is written!!!

Have a blessed and wonderful day!

Big hugs,

Nicole 💗

Perfect Love Cast Out Fear

Have you struggled with fear in some way in your life? I think we all do at times. I know for me I struggled with it for the better part of my life. Fear of failure, fear of rejection that’s was a HUGE one for me. Fear of not being good enough, low self esteem, yea I could go on. And you may find yourself there today. But I’m here to tell you that His perfect love kicks fear to the curb!!! Fear is a LIAR!

We all have a past, we all have deep seeded wounds, but Jesus came to heal you every where you hurt. I was thinking we get dressed every day, for the ladies we put our cute clothes on, we doll ourselves up with hair and makeup, smelly lotions and perfumes. You men y’all are so lucky, you take like a minute to get ready lol. Shower, shave, slap some gel in your hairs, and spray some cologne and your good to go lol. But once we are all done often there is one more thing we all put on before we leave….our mask. Our mask that says “Everything is fine.” “Everything is perfect in my life.” And honestly from the outside it could very well seem that way.

When someone says “Hey, how are you?” And your response is “I’m great! Couldn’t be better!” When really you’re dying and broken on the inside. We answer that way because we don’t want people to think less of us or what would they think if they knew what we were really going through???

First off let me just say YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I have been there myself. I put the mask on for many years not wanting people to know what my struggles were or what was going on in my life.

But if you can dig deep and find the courage to talk and share with someone I promise you, you will find out that you are not alone and that others are going through the same thing as you, or they have been there or they are going through something else equally as hard or harder.

Being vulnerable is hard but once you take that first step you open the door for healing to come in and new friendships to blossom and for the Lord to do a mighty work in your life.

You don’t have to get all fixed up to come to Jesus, church, or small group. Jesus loves you just they way you are, and just where your at!

The church is full of broken people.

People suffering from shame, guilt, drugs, alcoholism, pornography, rejection, infertility, abortions, divorce, rape, molestation, depression/other mental illnesses, and the list goes on and on. God uses the weak and the broken. His Word is full of stories of how He used broken and sinful people to do great and mighty things and He wants to do the same for you precious one.

God is in the restoration business. He will take your broken pieces and put you back together better than you can imagine. He will take your pain and suffering and use it for His glory and purposes and help others in the process. He will take your mess and give you a message.

I look back at 10-15 years ago I wore a mask often and that smile you saw back then was often a sad, fake smile. BUT GOD and I love that he gives us joy for mourning, beauty for our ashes! The smile you see today is real, it’s the joy of the Lord. (I like smiling, smiling my favorite…a little Elf humor LOL)

It’s not a perfect life but it’s a life not lead by fear any more. God is so good and He brings restoration and He will do it for you to my friend!💗

You are a Trophy of Grace!

Love and hugs,

Nicole💗

Click link below for the song Fear is a Liar:

https://g.co/kgs/oSKz9N

Dream Again

Today I came across an older writing of mine and thought I’d share. I love how God does that. Always knows what we need when we need it. I know I recently shared a similar topic, it was wrote during the same season of my life. But the message is so important, DREAM AGAIN. Don’t give up on what God put in your heart heart long ago.

So as I sit and ponder how we go thru seasons of life and for over half mine I’ve been a mom and wife. That was my job, sometimes thankless, sometimes really hard, but the rewards definitely out ways the tough times. In the last 8 months (at the time of this writing) I’ve been pushed into a season that I was dreading, scared, and certainly NOT READY FOR!! But funny how time goes on, our kids grow up, leave the nest. Some might say WHAT NOW LORD??? I know that was me for sure!! Our oldest is still at home, only 2 are gone but the process has started, so if this is you, tears will be shed and I mean A LOT!! UGLY CRY😭 Cus letting go of ours babies is painful but seeing them grow up into precious godly young women warms my heart and I couldn’t be more proud of our 3 beautiful girls.

I was at loss with what to do with myself but God has placed dreams and visions in our heart, it’s just that sometimes life and circumstances dim them. Is your dimmer switch turned off? If so I encourage you kids at home or not, DREAM AGAIN!! God is NOT done with you yet “empty nester parent” who feels alone, sad, and with no purpose now.

God is not done with you “stay at home mom” who feels like if I see one more dirty diaper!!! Or if they don’t pick up there toys or stop arguing I may explode!!!

I remember those days so well. But just know these are seasons and parenting is THE HARDEST JOB OUT THERE!! Also the MOST IMPORTANT and REWARDING! In case no one has told you lately “You’re doing a great job Mom/Dad, you ROCK!!” But know matter where you are on this journey God is NOT done with you yet. It may feel like it but I promise you He’s not!! You have gifts and talents IN YOU that need to be birthed. I won’t lie the birthing process is painful, much like birthing a child. What are your dreams? Passions? Is there something you’ve been wanting to do? Start a business? Go back to school? Volunteer somewhere? Whatever it is, I believe God is stirring in folks, don’t resist or shrink back in fear. God didn’t give you a spirit of fear. Press on precious one!! Do what you were born to do. The world doesn’t need another copycat version of someone else, the world needs YOU functioning in what you’re called to do. The world needs what gifts and talents you have tucked away, so sparkle on precious one! You were born for such a time is this.

Much love💗 and SHINE BRIGHT! ✨✨

Blessings,

Nicole💗