Category Archives: Boundaries

Addiction Is A Family Disease

You might be wondering, is that really true? I assure you it is.

See an addict can’t be an addict without help. There’s people in their lives that keep that merry go round going.

There’s the enabler, who wants to “Help” and “Fix” and they think if I was a good enough spouse, friend, sister, brother, etc. then they wouldn’t be like this. I NEED to help them get on track.

One of the first things I learned in Alanon (a meeting for people who have a loved one or friend with a drinking problem) is The 3 C’s.

I didn’t cause it

I can’t cure it,

I can’t control it.

Sweet one, maybe you need to hear that today!

An addiction doesn’t have to be just alcohol or drugs, there are many forms of addiction….food, sex, shopping, pornography, cutting, working, exercise, video games, TV, etc.

I love the example Henry Cloud uses in Changes That Heal, about a dad and his 2 sons. (I have paraphrased this story.) So the Dad is meeting with Henry and says “I need you to fix my son.” So Henry looks to the son sitting there and says “What’s going on, how can I help you?” The son says “No, it’s not me, it’s my brother.” He says “Well where is your brother?” “He’s not here” says the brother. Henry says “Well where is he? And what’s his problem?” The dad answers “He’s flunked out of 3 colleges and he smokes pot.” Henry is puzzled by this and asked “How do you even do that? I understand how you flunk out of one, but how do you get in the 2nd and 3rd one?”

The dad answers “Well, I’m on the board of multiple colleges. The first time he flunked out there was to much partying in the dorm so I bought him a condo, gave him enough money so he could just focus on studying and not work and he still flunked out.” Henry says “Darn those kids!” Love his humor🤣

I’m already chuckling at this point because I see where this is leading too…..

The dad is the great enabler!

Henry asked “Where is your son today?” Dad says, “He’s not here.” Henry says, “I know he’s not here but where might gps find him?”

The dad says “He’s in Vale…skiing.”

Now I ask you, does this sound like the kid who has any problems to you? Not to me.

At this point Henry says, “Sir I’m a psychologist and I help people. I don’t think I can help your son. He doesn’t have any problems. He’s got all the money he needs, a free place to live AND he’s on vacation. He doesn’t have any problems.” Now the dads is confused and getting miffed, saying “Oh yes he does!”

Henry says, “You on the other hand I can help.” The dad is like “I don’t have any problems.” Henry says “Yes you do, you have owned all your sons problems. But I can help you, help your son have some problems.”

I just love that! The dad was busy helping and enabling all his sons issues. The son has had no consequences and has absolutely no reason to change.

Do you have someone like this in your life?

How are you coping?

Are you owning all their mess?

Still trying to fix them?

Learning boundaries is the most amazing and absolutely FREEING thing I’ve ever done.

We all need them, addictions or not. You could have a family member with untreated mental illness. I can relate to this one on such a personal level. A certain family member of mine, has untreated mental illness and ever since I can remember I was always helping, fixing, and rescuing them. Until the last couple of years, I was so burn out. Exhausted! Stressed to the max!

Every time my phone rang I and I saw it was them calling….anxiety would set in quickly! I never had anxiety before. You never knew what was on the other end of the line. Crying hysterically, mad, complaining about their life or someone in it, or the high manic side where everything is beautiful, wonderful, and full of rainbows 🌈 and unicorns 🦄

This was simply ingenious, I gave them a certain ringtone so I would know it was them calling me and at that moment I could decide am I in a place where I can talk to this person? Or do I need to let it go to voicemail and talk later? That simple thing, was life changing for me.

See sweet friend, it’s not your job to fix someone else. You and I are not Holy Ghost Jr. they have a Savior just like you do and that’s his job to work in their lives and change what needs to be changed.

However, we do have a part to do too and that’s to stop 🛑 helping and rescuing them. Let that loved one feel the consequences of their own actions.

If you have a person in your life and they are not taking responsibility for themselves, they don’t have a job or keep losing jobs and now they want to move in with you again….you keep forking out money to “help” and “rescue” them. That’s not helping them be responsible.

They don’t have a car and they want to keep using yours.

You could be taking up the slack for someone with things they need to do but choose not too….but you say to yourself “Well someone has to do it” and so you do it. But now your full of bitterness and resentment when what you needed to do is let them figure it out and you do what your supposed to do.

Or maybe they don’t have groceries or gas because they spent their money on frivolous things and they can’t buy groceries or get gas for the car they’re borrowing from you….but they’ll play on your emotions and say “if you love me then you’d give me the money that I need.”

This sounds ridiculous but it happens every day my friend….you are not helping them.

Sure there is a time when everyone needs help but when you see it becomes a pattern and it keeps repeating itself over and over and over again, YOU are now contributing to the problem and staying on that merry go round. They have no desire to do any different because you continue to fix there issues.

If they are addicted to alcohol, don’t buy it for them. Simply say, “I love you but I’m no longer going to contribute to this, from now on you can buy your own alcohol.” This one, I had to do with someone.

When that person calls you with drama and chaos, things they want YOU to fix….simply 🛑 and say I’m sorry, I can’t do that for you. Tell them you love them and I’m praying for you but you need to figure out this for yourself.

Look, I’m not gonna sit here and tell you this is easy to do because the truth is I have felt like my guts were being ripped out, nauseous to the point of throwing up. It’s hard as Hades and that’s NO JOKE! But it’s necessary for your own health and well-being.

God gave me this verse a few years ago and maybe it will help you too.

EXODUS‬ ‭18:17-18‬ ‭AMP‬‬

Moses’ father-in-law said to him, “The thing that you are doing is not good. You will certainly wear out both yourself and these people who are with you, because the task is too heavy for you [to bear]; you cannot do it alone.”

We were never meant to carry these burdens alone sweet friend.

‭‭Thoughts to ponder:

Who might you be enabling?

What are you carrying that doesn’t belong to you?

Have you been rescuing people?

What can you do let people in your life feel the consequences of their own actions?

How does that make you feel to even think about doing that?

Ohhhh, I’ll answer that for you, it will FEEL WRONG AND AWFUL! But just because it FEELS WRONG, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

You have to keep doing the next right thing and that “feeling” will catch up with you, eventually.

CHANGE IS HARD but it is a necessary part of life.

You can suffer the pain of change or suffer remaining the way you are.” Joyce Meyer

That’ll preach! That’s a word for someone.

So my friend just start setting small boundaries, those lead to big victories.

Pray about it, it may take you a while to do it and that’s perfectly fine. I’ve been there too. But you’ve got this, you can do it!

I pray God will give you the wisdom and courage to do what’s best for you and your family, setting those boundaries that brings peace to your heart and mind and FREEDOM to your life!

Have a blessed and wonderful day!

Big hugs,

Nicole💗

The Battle Has Just Begun

Don’t forget who created you, you are anointed for such a time as this!

The storms and trials that come into our lives may bend you but they can never break you! They may even bring you to your knees but what better place to be on your knees crying out to Jesus. God’s got you sweet friend.

I know for me fear has played a huge part in my life. Especially when it comes to people closest to me. The fear of the unknown, fear of the known, sometimes I don’t know which is worse. Rejection and anxiety run close to fear. Are you anxious or worried about something?

It’s real easy to get consumed by it all. I’ve been there, can you relate? I get wrapped up in the problem and I can’t see anything else. I’m stuck and I feel paralyzed. I can’t see beyond it, it seems as though it will never end or change. But can I just tell you, that’s just lie from the pits of hell!

When we submit to God, he moves on our behalf. He says precious one, “the battle does not belong to you.” Come to Me, rest in Me and I will fight this battle for you, all you have to do is be still. 2 little words…..so hard to do. It’s in our nature we want to do but sometimes it’s not up to us to fix the situation.

We have to learn to lean on God and trust Him in the hard times….and good times.

If I’m honest, I have also found that I wasn’t waiting on God, he was waiting on me. Often times, we have to do hard things before God will do his part. It could be a matter of setting a boundary with someone but just the thought of it makes you sick. I’ve been there. Or allowing another to feel the consequences of their own choices and behavior, and not rescuing them or fixing it for them.

Why do we feel not worthy of someone treating us right?

Why do we accept bad behavior from people in our lives?

Let me reassure you that God loves you and wants good things for your life but you have to also want them. You have to set boundaries for yourself and others.

You have to know that Jesus died for you to have life to the full, till it overflows. Are you living in that overflow? Or are you just getting by, excepting things that you shouldn’t?

You are beautiful, you are worthy…because of what Christ did for you on the cross.

You are known by the King. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are treasured, chosen, called, adored, valued, priceless, wanted, and LOVED.

Do you know how great Gods love is for you?

Do you know how He sees you?

In life, we can learn to view ourselves by the things that people have done to us or the things they’ve said to us. We allow that to permeate on the inside of us and we become broken and toxic. God never meant for you to accept those things. He wants you to see yourself as He sees you. He wants you to forget what lies behind and press forward to all the good things He has in store for you. He wants to do a new thing in you precious one.

If you living in fear, worry, and anxious about everything there’s an answer…..If it’s enough to make you worry about then my friend it’s enough to pray about it!

Fighting on our knees is the key to living a victorious life.

1 John 5:4 for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith.

You are an overcomer and the war has already been won. Do you not see it?

When things get tough and you feel overwhelmed, hit your knees sweet friend. The battle is won there. Keep praying, keep believing, keep trusting God. But also remember, you have another part to do as well. We must “be still” and know that God has us in the palm of his hand. You may also have to do something.

God maybe saying you need to do a certain thing so He can do his job, we can be in the way sometimes of God doing what He needs to do in our lives and others. If you’re honest you probably already know what it is, you just need courage to do it. Sometimes you have to release people, let them feel the pain of their own choices so things can be rebuilt and trust in your heart that God has you.

PRAY! PRAY! And PRAY SOME MORE!

Get In The Word:

The Lord is a man of war; the Lord is His name … Your Right Hand, O Lord, has become glorious in power; Your right hand, O Lord, has dashed the enemy in pieces. And in the greatness of Your excellence you have overthrown those who rose against You; You sent forth Your wrath which consumed them like stubble.” (Exodus 15:3,6)

“The Lord shall go forth like a mighty man; He shall stir up His zeal like a man of war. He shall cry out, yes, shout aloud; He shall prevail against His enemies.” (Isaiah 42:13)

“I will go before you and make the crooked paths straight; I will break in pieces the gates of bronze and cut the bars of iron.” (Isaiah 45:2)

“For you shall not go out with haste, nor go by flight; for the Lord will go before you, and the God of Israel will be your rear guard.” (Isaiah 52:12)

“Therefore understand today the Lord your God is He who goes before you as a consuming fire. He will destroy them and bring them down before you; so you shall drive them out and destroy them quickly, as the Lord has said to you.” (Deuteronomy 9:3)

“The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.” (Exodus 14:14)

“Be strong and courageous; do not be afraid nor dismayed before the king of Assyria, nor before all the multitude that is with him; for there are more with us than with him. With him is an arm of flesh; but with us is the Lord our God, to help us and to fight our battles.” (2 Chronicles 32:7)

“… For I will contend with him who contends with you.” (Isaiah 49:25)

“… since it is a righteous thing with God to repay with tribulation those who trouble you …” (2 Thessalonians 1:6)

The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms; He will thrust out the enemy from before you, and will say, ‘Destroy!’ ” (Deuteronomy 33:27)

Do not say, “I will recompense evil;” Wait for the Lord, and He will save you.” (Proverbs 20:22)

I will bless those who bless you, and I will curse him who curses you …” (Genesis 12:3)

Praise Him while your waiting. He will bring you comfort in your time of need. He is the God of all comfort and He brings restoration!

Have a blessed and wonderful day!

Big hugs,

Nicole💗

This is how I fight my battles
This is how I fight my battles
It may look like I’m surrounded
But I’m surrounded by You
It may look like I’m surrounded
But I’m surrounded by You
It may look like I’m surrounded
But I’m surrounded by You

It may look like I’m surrounded
But I’m surrounded by You