Category Archives: Anxious

Divorcing ED- Life With An Eating Disorder

Hey y’all! Hope you guys are doing well. Things have been hopping here. Hubby working from home also means home projects right. I swear that man can’t sit still for a second, then he sucks me in lol🤣

I thought I’d let you in on a secret…..lean in real close. I’M DIVORCING ED! There I said it!

Secrets out now.

No! ED is not my husband’s name. ED is someone who has been with me for too many years to count.

ED is the eating disorder I have struggled with for what seems like a lifetime but I’ve decided we are breaking up for good and getting a divorce! He doesn’t serve me well anymore, well he never really did, he was just how I coped.

Do you know ED too?

ED…..I.e. sin….took me further than I ever thought I’d go and kept me longer than I ever thought I’d stay.

I have been in counseling with a nutritionist who deals with eating disorders and Imma tell you how wonderful, hard and challenging it’s been.

My first experience with a nutritionist when I was finally ready to deal with ED didn’t go well. She would say things like “You need to only eat this or that.” or “If you drink that Dr. Pepper your only hurting yourself” Even better was the time I didn’t like one of the supplements she gave me, it was like horrible mud like substance you drank with a hint of mint🤣🤢🤮 she said “I guess you just don’t want to get well.” Are you kidding me?? Lady, I guilt myself enough I don’t need more guilt and condemnation or rules and regulations from you, that’s what got me here to start with. So needless to say that didn’t last long. I knew she wasn’t good for me. She was setting me up to fail. Inevitably I was gonna fail or make a mistake but failing wasn’t a bad thing nor did failing make me a failure….she was not teaching me that though. It’s all part of the process. Plus, she was not celebrating the small victories I was making.

This time Amie, my nutritionist now she is amazing! What a gift she is. She challenges me but also celebrates the small victories with me. The truth is if I eat 3 meals 1 day that’s amazing considering for many years I haven’t done that.

If I wake up and tell myself I’m not gonna eat today but then go through the process of talking to myself and on purpose choose to make the decision to eat regardless of what my feelings are saying, that’s another victory!

If I go 2 days and don’t weigh myself that’s another victory. I’ve gone 5 so far, 5 DAYS OF NOT WEIGHING MYSELF. That is nothing short of miracle to me.

I’m learning though if slip up it’s not the end of the world, just get back up and start all over. Being perfect is so overrated. Not that I ever was but it was something so engrained me and I learned to try not to rock the boat, be as perfect as you possibly can they will love and accept you THEN. How misguided I was.

What I look like, how I dress, the car I drive, the house I live in, or the job I have…none of that matters or has eternal purpose. Having a relationship with MY JESUS is what matters. That is what’s life changing and as I walk this out and I feel like I can’t do it anymore I cry out to Him one more time, and one more time, and one more time. He’s there waiting to pick me up, and sweet friend He’s there waiting for you. You have access to the King.

I mentioned to someone the other day I was seeing a nutritionist for my eating disorder and the first thing they asked was “Wow! How much weight have you lost?” I just thought to myself “Oh my word! What’s wrong with people?” That’s the whole problem. Weight, food, exercise, not eating, binging, the scale, all of it turned into idols. I’m not trying to lose weight, of course I’d like too I’m a woman lol but my main goal is to have a healthy relationship with food.

To not be afraid to eat this or that.

To not be afraid to eat 3 meals a day or a snack.

To eat lunch and not be afraid.

To not weigh myself everyday….I’ve been a slave to the scale for as long as I can remember.

Anyone relate to that? 🤣🤣🤣

That’s our culture though. We think if we lose enough weight or if we are the perfect size we will be happy and all of life will fall into place and we’ll have no problems. That’s simply not true. But if you watch the Jenny Craig commercials they’ll have you believe “Because of Jenny Craig, I’m a happier person, a happier mom, a happier wife. I’m more confident.” Well I was a size six and it didn’t change what was going on on the inside. Until the root is addressed you will repeat the cycle and that’s true for anything. I just hate the media plays on our emotions especially women, you are just not quite good enough….YET! Try this and maybe you will be. I’m tired of listening to the lies! THE devil IS A LIAR!

How about you try some Jesus instead of all the worldly things it has to offer. Sorry for my soapbox. Finding our worth and value from the mirror or the scale will never fulfill you.

But having a relationship with Jesus will.

Back on topic, lol, for me most days I would eat a small breakfast, never lunch, and eat dinner. Some days I wouldn’t eat at all, I would consciously make a decision to not eat today. Punish myself for the shame and guilt I carried of living with this secret, and other secrets and trauma from my childhood. I was also fearful of lots of foods that in moderation are actually healthy for you.

One of the things I’ve been working on is incorporating lunch into my schedule. I know, sounds simple but for someone with ED, not so simple. But I’ve done pretty well, not every day yet but 4-5 out of 7 I’d say. That’s HUGE! Even if it’s something small.

Progress not perfection.

Forward motion.

My nutritionist asked me how I felt about not weighing myself everyday and did I think that was something I could start to work on. Immediately, tears streamed down my face and I said “ Yes, I will do it.” The scale and I have had a meeting together every morning for yeeaaarrs, sometimes weighing myself more than once a day. Despite how unhappy it made me, I still have always been drawn to it even though I knew it wasn’t helpful to me. So last week I hid it in the closet so I won’t see everyday lol. The first couple of days were really hard and I almost got up in the middle of the night to weigh myself. Crazy I know. But that’s the bond ED and I have. His clutches run deep. Have you ever experienced anything like this? It’s powerful, BUT MY GOD IS BIGGER.

I’m divorcing ED to have a relationship with me, to get to know me and a deeper relationship with my Savior. To get my voice back instead of shoving things further down. I’m overcoming the misguided self. To heal the proper way from past hurts and trauma. It’s hard work and it may take a long time and it may be painful but I’m up for the job. I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me and so can you sweet friend.

Your struggle may not be ED, it may be drugs, alcohol, shopping, pornography, or something else, we all have something. I urge you to give it completely over to the Lord. Press in and contend for your freedom. He will set your shackles free. FREEDOM IS THERE FOR THE TAKING. You are a new creation IN CHRIST. What the enemy meant to harm and destroy God will work for your good.

NOTHING AND I MEAN NOTHING IS TOO BIG FOR HIM!!

I have worked on this blog for 2-3 days and was set to release today but after I watched our church service this morning I was simply blown away again by my God. How he loves me (you) so much, and how he confirms what he’s placed on my heart to share. I’m even more certain of what He wants for me.

I will tell of the mercy of the Lord and proclaim the great things He has done for me and continues to do.

The Misguided Self- Life With ED and My Broken Past (click below)

https://nikhop320.wordpress.com/2019/10/16/ive-had-an-epiphany/

Sword the Spirit:

Psalm 139:14 I will praise You because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well.

Song of Solomon 4:7 My darling, everything about you is beautiful, and there is nothing at all wrong with you.

Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised.

Romans 14:17 For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.

Romans 12:1 Brothers and sisters, in view of all we have just shared about God’s compassion, I encourage you to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, dedicated to God and pleasing to him. This kind of worship is appropriate for you.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 Don’t you know that your body is a temple that belongs to the Holy Spirit? The Holy Spirit, whom you received from God, lives in you. You don’t belong to yourselves. You were bought for a price. So bring glory to God in the way you use your body.

Psalm 145:18 The Lord is near all who call out to Him, all who call out to Him with integrity.Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

1 Corinthians 10:13 The only temptations that you have are the same temptations that all people have. But you can trust God. He will not let you be tempted more than you can bear. But when you are tempted, God will also give you a way to escape that temptation. Then you will be able to endure it.

Romans 8:26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

Zephaniah 3:17 For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Psalm 29:11 The Lord will give strength to his people; the Lord will bless his people with peace.

Psalm 147:3 He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.

How I Need You- Highlands Worship

You fashioned me, formed my heart,
Searched my soul, and know every thought
Love so great, but never too far
Through the storm, You’re the calm, every war, You’ve already won
Life’s secure in Your loving armsJesus, Jesus, oh, how I need You
You stay the same, You are good in Your ways
Jesus, Jesus, oh, how I need You
You are enough, all my trust is in You, LordYou are powerful, God above it all
I believe in You, I believe in You
You do miracles, the impossible
I believe in You, Jesus

See I’m contending for my freedom from ED every day and renewing my mind. What are you contending for? Would love to hear from you.

Big hugs,

Nicole💗

The Lord Is Near….Be Anxious For Nothing

Coronavirus…it’s on everyone’s mind. Whether you say it is or not, all the lines, shopping, hoarding, and empty shelves at the stores shows it. I still don’t get the toilet paper selling out🤷🏼‍♀️🤣

Here’s what I’ve noticed, some have gone from one extreme to the other. It’s crazy. Some are like “Its just a cold. Why are you acting so ridiculous?” Then others are screaming “It’s the end of the world!”

If we listen to what the doctors say and follow what YOUR SPECIFIC NEEDS are, meaning whether you’re a healthy individual or if your elderly or immunocompromised that kinda tells you which direction you should go. It’s not a guarantee you won’t get it, it’s a guideline for you.

Personally, I fall in that immunocompromised category and I have several friends that do as well. I have CVID, so I do have to use wisdom and caution with what I do. You may decide to go to movies, church, small groups, etc. and that may be right for you but for others like myself that is not a good idea. What bothers me is when I hear people say “Well your living in fear when you stop going to places.” No, on the contrary I’m not living in fear at all, I’m living in wisdom and doing what’s best for me.

We shouldn’t judge other people’s decisions when we don’t know what they deal with. So many people have health issues or they have loved ones with health issues and all that needs to be taken into consideration when making a decision on what you will do or where you will go. It’s based on you and your family….not based on what someone else thinks. But that’s just my opinion 🤷🏼‍♀️

I just want to remind you that during all this chaos, the Lord is near.

When fear of the unknown threatens to bog you down, and steal your peace and joy and you find yourself scared and anxious, your not crazy, it’s normal in times like this.

We are human.

Fear of the unknown does that.

The difference is you don’t want to LIVE in fear. We have to choose faith over fear but also use wisdom for your own circumstances.

The Lord is near.

We all face fear and anxiety from time to time but just let me encourage you today sweet friend that God never gave us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and of sound mind. He didn’t cause this but I can assure you, He will work things out for your good.

The Lord is near.

For some, jobs are uncertain.

I know with the economy fluctuating like it is, it’s scary and unsettling.

But the Lord is near.

Some moms and dads just found out schools out K-12 for almost 3 weeks and your thinking “Y’all gonna make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.” 🤣🤣

But the Lord is near.

Like Joseph, God can cause you to prosper during a famine. Put your trust in God and get in the Word. God will bless you to be a blessing.

Pray! Pray! And pray some more my friends.

Check on your neighbors or elderly family or friends.

Pray for our healthcare workers.

Pray for our government officials, all branches whether you like them or not. Pray they have wisdom.

Put on the whole armor of God.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities,against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

Sword of the Spirit:

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you” Psalm 56:3

God will “instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you” Psalm 32:8

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:19

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

I pray you start to see the goodness of God and His supernatural provision in your life and family.

Prayer:

God answers prayers sweet friends and it says in James, The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. So Lord we come before You with praise and thanksgiving. We worship You for who you are and thank you for loving us and saving us. Father there are so many people sick and in need of healing, help them regain their strength. Refresh and restore them. Bring healing from the top of their heads to the soles of their feet. Bring supernatural healing to every cell, every organ, repair dna, and we declare it must come in alignment with Your perfect Word.

We come against that spirit of fear that is so evident in our world today. We declare you have NO place here. God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, love, and sound mind. When fear, worry and doubt come against me, I’m reminded how big my God is. How he holds my future in his hands. He has a great and mighty plan for my future.

Lord bring provision where provision has been lost. You are Jehovah jireh, my Provider. Give divine wisdom, ideas and creativity to your sons and daughters. Bless us in the famine and open up the windows of heaven Lord.

Help us to point others to You. To show love to others and be a light in the darkness. Thank you Lord for what your doing and that through all this You will get the glory. We give You all the glory and honor, in Jesus name, Amen!🙏🏻

Here As In Heaven

A miracle can happen now
For the Spirit of the Lord is here
The evidence is all around
That the Spirit of the Lord is here
A miracle can happen now
For the Spirit of the Lord is here
The evidence is all around
That the Spirit of the Lord is here

“Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident…For He will hide me in His shelter in the day of trouble; He will conceal me under the cover of His tent; He will lift me high upon a rock.”

He’s got you precious one!

Big hugs,

Nicole💗

Put on a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness….

God Is In Control

The power of God is not defined by age or circumstances. No matter who you are or what your story is, His strength takes over in your weakness. He will scoop you up in his arms and He will hold you and never ever let you go.

God is more than enough. You may feel down and out or weak and disheartened, but take heart precious one and know that God is in control! He’s got you.

The Bible tells us ‘do not be afraid‘, ‘fear not‘, etc over three hundred times in the Bible. So basically you can have a verse for every day of the year.

The Word Works:

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

 “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.”  Psalm 56:3

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” ~ Philippians 4:6-7

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” ~ 2 Timothy 1:7

“But now, this is what the Lord says…Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.” ~ Isaiah 43:1

“When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.” Psalm 94:19

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

“Tell everyone who is discouraged, Be strong and don’t be afraid! God is coming to your rescue…” Isaiah 35:4

“Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.” ~ Psalm 55:22

“Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

“’For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.  Do not be afraid, for I myself will help you,’ declares the Lord, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.” ~ Isaiah 41:13-14

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1

“The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?  The Lord is with me; he is my helper.” ~ Psalm 118:6-7

“The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.” Psalm 34:7

“I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.  He freed me from all my fears.” ~ Psalm 34:4

God bless you! Hope you have a blessed and wonderful day.

Big hugs,

Nicole💗