When You Have A Toxic Relationship With A Parent-Mother/Daughter

This is a subject close to my heart and yet it’s very painful and not something openly talked about. We live in world where where it’s portrayed that there is always good relationships between mother daughter (or parent/child) but sometimes the reality couldn’t be further from the truth. In this world there is brokenness, mental illness, addictions, and just evil. YES it’s sad. YES it’s traumatic. YES it is painful. But it’s still truth. It cannot be denied but it can be dealt with over time.

Sometimes you can do all the things and it’s jusy not enough. You can choose to forgive and turn the other cheek 70*7 like the Bible says and we should but you weren’t called to be a doormat or abused.

In our culture you often hear a parent can go no contact or even disown their child and it’s more acceptable. “Ohhh they were so horrible to their mother or father!” But if a child decides to go no contact with their parent you hear….”you only have one Mom or Dad. You’ll be sorry one day.” Let me just say you have no idea what someone has been through to even get to the point to make such a decision. It took years and years and years and many tears and prayers before I ever made such a decision. Knowing I’d be judged for doing so but also knowing I and my family would have more peace and less drama. People these days have opinions without knowing facts. They spew hurtful words and have no idea what you’ve been through and it’s like being traumatized all over again.

Yes, we are called to forgive. But continue in a toxic relationship in the same manner, NO! Absolutely not! Sometimes no amount of effort on your part or even prayer can heal a relationship with someone who is toxic and has no desire to do different. We don’t want to hear this but in my 51 years, THIS is my experience.

Yes my God is BIGGER than any situation, any circumstance and He can absolutely heal a broken, toxic relationship but BOTH parties have to want it not just one.

When only one party is doing all the work, often times that person is the one also enabling the relationship but may not realize it. This is where we pray “God open MY eyes to do MY part. Help me love how YOU would have me love THIS person and how it would best serve this person.”

What I have found in how to love a toxic, broken person best is sometimes from afar. Sometimes it’s letting them feel the consequences of their behavior. Sometimes they have to walk through their own decisions or trials by themselves simply because you will enable them and try to take away the pain they so desperately need to feel. Pain they’ve tried to escape or put on others. Let me just say upfront how excruciatingly painful this WILL BE sweet one. Letting someone come to grips of who they are, what they’ve done, who they’ve hurt isn’t always pretty and you will want to make them “feel better” but that’s helped keep it going in the first place. Allowing God to do what He needs to do in that persons life is what needs to happen.

Let go and let God.

Sometimes limiting contact or even going no contact is what has to happen. For me I have chosen no contact now for 6 months and it has been hardest most painful thing and yet God has done so much healing in me in this time. There maybe a time when we are reconciled but that isn’t up to me. For now, I’m doing what God has told me to do and focusing on allowing Him to heal those broken place from all the trauma I’ve been through. His desire is for us to be made whole and help others along the way and that’s what I plan to do.

See, you were meant to love, edify, and build up, the problem is relationships work both ways. But it may only be working in one direction. It takes two. In relationships, we care for one another and not tear each other down. We are even selfless at times.

In relationships you love, serve, and give instead of taking all the time or sucking the life out of people. But I have to insert a disclaimer here ****Yes we do all these things but NOT, I repeat NOT to the determinant of our own well-being or mental health. Some people are takers and will take advantage of you, so you have to watch out for this and do what’s best for you.

Don’t be afraid to set boundaries.

The word NO is good and it’s ok to use it. It will feel wrong when you start doing it but it’s OK!

Keep doing it.

Precious one, YOU must take care of yourself so you can be the best version of yourself for you and others.

I am so thankful to God for my healing journey. It’s been very hard and painful. Lots of hard work and I have a long way to go but I will get there. Despite my relationship with my mother, I didn’t have a very close relationship with my dad either but I have a great relationship with my 3 daughters. It is only by the grace of God because I didn’t have that roll model. But I did know how I didn’t want to be and that definitely served me. I know I didn’t do everything right and yes I made mistakes as a mother but God helped me be a better Mom because of what I went through. For that I am soooo thankful for. His grace is perfect and it’s there if you need it.

So let me say if this is you too….my heart goes out to every girl who’s mother isn’t their best friend, as they should be. My heart goes out to every girl who tries to have a healthy relationship with their mother, but can’t. My heart aches for any girl who wishes more than anything they could have a loving relationship with their mother, but no matter how much they try, it just doesn’t work. It’s difficult to understand how traumatic a toxic relationship between mother and daughter truly is, and my heart aches for anyone who’s been unlucky enough to say they understand. *Unknown

As I’m on my healing journey, I’m becoming more open and transparent about things from the past and I know God wants to heal that little girl in me that was so hurt and broken. If this is you my prayer for you is that you do the work sweet friend. Do the hard and painful work. Everyone runs from pain these days but I encourage you to run to the pain, sit with it, embrace it and allow God in to heal it. He has soooo much in store for you, things you can’t imagine. It’s gonna take time. It may take a long time but YOU ARE WORTH IT! You are worthy! You are enough and God loves YOU!!

Big hugs,

Nicole❤️

Joshua 1:9, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

2 thoughts on “When You Have A Toxic Relationship With A Parent-Mother/Daughter”

  1. Ahhh, Nicole! Words cannot express how grateful I am to you for writing this. I love your transparency and know how hard it is to share painful wounds. What I can say, though, is that your courage in sharing what you’ve walked through is healing many hearts. Others will know they’re not alone because you opted to share your heart and say what many wish they could.

    First, I am deeply deeply sorry that you have lived through so much pain. It breaks my heart that you have had to feel so alone, being the grown up when the grown ups around you acted like the children. I am sorry that you have often felt at times you were the problem when you have never been and never could be. I am sorry that you didn’t receive the love and encouragement you needed to build your self-esteem and remind you of your worthiness. I am sorry that those who should have protected you did anything but. I am sorry that you ever doubted your beauty, your worth, and your purpose. I am sorry that so many years were robbed from you by the enemy through the use of people. BUT, I am SO THANKFUL that the Lord redeemed you, is restoring you, and is reminding you that you are HIS KID and He doesn’t make junk!

    I trust that the best is yet to come for you. I pray that the healing balm of God’s love would continuously wash over you and heal you from every trauma, fragment of pain, and memory that seeks to hurt you.

    I relate to you 100%. My situation is/was very similar. My contact with my mother and father is limited at best. I grew up being the counselor, the fixer, the grown up — the ‘strong one.’ A beloved daughter? Not so much. Letting them in means drama that completely wrecks my peace and my sanity. It brings back hurt that should’ve never happened. They are not my safe place and have never been. Talking with them about anything would only bring on being gossiped and talked about with others. No thanks. They preach one thing but live another more often than that. I try to remember that they too came out of a mess but that doesn’t mean we must continue to be victimized by a mess they refuse to heal from. We can only do so much. We are not the Savior. JESUS is.

    This is long, but I wanted you to know that I share your pain and understand your story. YOU ARE ENOUGH and will always be. Jesus loves you dearly and I trust that He is bringing you wholeness like you never dreamed possible! ❤️

    1. Sweet Holly!! Your words penetrate deep into my heart. I am crying as I read tour message 😭 Thank you for speaking life to me. You are such a beautiful soul. I know my mom did the best she could given what she grew up in but still doesn’t make it any better especially when she chooses over and over again to not do anything different. That I can never wrap my brain around.

      You reached out to me a while ago saying you missed me and it meant soooo much to me. I though last year was hard but this year has been the hardest of my life. But also I have had much healing. In counseling and getting my voice.

      Thank you for sharing your experience with your family, it’s nice to know you are not alone and yet sad you know😞 Bless you and God heal those wounded areas of your heart sweet friend.

      I have been reading The Body Keeps The Score and What Happened To Me….sooooo good!! Also The Dance of Anger. All 3 are AMAZING!! Working on The Dance of Intimacy now. It’s really good.

      My counselor recommended myofacial release therapy because I’ve come so far in my counseling and health issues I have. It’s been incredible, what has been stored in my body that I have been able to let go of. Much more to go but I finally see the light and I had been praying God to stir my writing again and He has been🙏

      Again, you are such a blessing and sweet person and I appreciate the encouragement. You take care sweetie. Big hugs💗

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